Daytona's most famous residents...

To see one of the most interesting people I encounter on a daily basis, please take the time to watch the video above.

You might wrongly assume that I am making fun of this person. I am not. Freddie is one of the people that brightens my day, every day. Nothing ever seems to bother Freddie. He is a happy guy. Some people get annoyed with Freddie, but I love him! He is truly a unique and beautiful soul. Freddie brings happiness, joy, and laughter to probably hundreds of people per day. Freddie doesn't have a care in the world and he is who he is, regardless of what people think about him. Freddie dances and sings, randomly. Freddie walks people's dogs. Freddie cares about other people.

We should all strive to be more like Freddie. We might have more gratitude, compassion, and acceptance for all the wonderful people and things that we get to experience in this life.

Just a thought.

Life As I know It, a Lesson in Gratitude

Life as I know it is really good. I have absolutely nothing that I can complain about. Life is treating me really well.

In the past, I would be waiting for the other shoe to drop. not today. I am riding this pink cloud until it disappears!  I know that life will not always go my way, but it is today- so I am taking full advantage of this situation. There are many things that I want that I do not have, but I have everything that I need. I cannot thank myself for this, as everything I have has been given to me by God and the people that he has placed in my life today. I am very grateful for all the blessings in my life.

As for what is right in my life, I cannot thank God enough. I have a place to live, food to eat, friends I trust, a loving and supporting family, money in the bank, and people who love and accept me for who I am. I really don't have anything to complain about, since all my needs are being taken care of by my higher power, who I choose to call God.

I am currently seeking employment, which is a challenge all in itself, as I am now a convicted felon with a bad credit score. Employers are not too thrilled to check out my background. But I have faith that as long as I stay in God's will, I will be placed in a position that He chooses, as long as I continue to do the footwork. I have a really good life today. Just for today, I am okay.

As for my legal problems, I seem to be keeping my ass out of jail. I have a court date on the 27th of this month and I have no fear of going back to jail. I believe that God will put me where he wants me- if that be in the hand of the Volusia County Department of Corrections, then all will be well with that. I have faith that no matter what happens, I will remain in God's will and that can't be a bad thing, right?

Thy will, not mine, be done!

"The Life of Love"

"May I so live the life of love
this day that all those with whom I have
anything to do may be as sure of love
in the world as they are of the sunlight."
Author Unknown

 

 

 

Relapse and Recovery

I guess many of you are wondering what happened to me. It is a logical question. This Facebook addict was missing in action for over 7-months. It is quite a story and I am afraid that it might be too long for this particular forum. 

You see, what had happened was...

There is a drink that many of you know very well. It is called alcohol. Now, many of you know me very well and know that I am the type of person that does not do anything moderately. I am one of those all or nothing type of people. I live hard, play hard, and work hard. Well, what I was doing just over 7-months ago was drinking hard and using any drug that I came across. I was pretty much trying to destroy myself. The problem with that is that it didn't work. I quit my job as Assistant Manager at 7-Eleven, I was Baker Acted, and I nearly lost custody of my daughter. 

I had two-and-a-half years clean and sober, but that all came crashing down in September of 2010. I had lost the person that I thought was my soul mate and I felt like I had nothing to live and stay sober for anymore. I was miserable. I thought I had found peace and serenity, but I was wrong. I had no recovery, I just had clean time. Abstinence. I was alone and had no spiritual principles in my life. I found my relief in a can of beer and a joint. My relapse nearly killed me. 

I was slowly destroying the person that I love the most, other than my daughter. I have been through a lot of drama in my life. I have caused a gargantuan amount of pain, but this was different. I was killing myself through alcoholism and I was really okay with that. I was drugged, raped, and beaten. While I was semi-conscious, I was injected with drugs that could have killed me. The police could not arrest my attacker because I still do not have any memory of the assault. Amazingly enough, I have forgiven my assailant. Holding on to a resentment does not hurt the person that it is against- it hurts the person who holds the resentment. With a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology, I decided that it was a good idea to start stripping. This is how I met the person who later raped me. The point that I am trying to make here is that I had lost all semblance to the person that you all know and love. I was an empty shell of my former self. I could not take care of myself, let alone my daughter. I had bottomed out. 

I got arrested on a felony burglary charge on June 4, 2011. Yes. I did the crime and that was the last day that I picked up a drink or a drug. I had broken into an RV and stole art supplies. What I was thinking, I can't really recall, but I suppose my drunken brain thought that it was a good idea at the time. The next morning, I awoke at 4:00 am in the County Jail. I had hit a new low. I am not a criminal, by any means, yet there I was, guilty as charged. This was the first day of my new life. Jail has varying degrees of effects on people. For a rational and intelligent person, it usually does the trick of scaring them straight. So was the case for me. No one bailed me out of jail. No one would take my phone calls. I was completely and utterly alone, with no one to blame but myself. My sobriety date is June 5, 2011, the same day as my maternal grandfather's birthday. Coincidentally, he is the first alcoholic in my family to ever achieve sobriety. I plan to keep that date, one day at a time. 

I was court-ordered into residential treatment at Haven Recovery Center. Coincidentally, I worked for Haven when it was known as Serenity House. I had to eat a slice of humble pie the size of Texas. I spent three months in the county jail, awaiting a bed in rehab. I am very grateful for that experience, as I found my Higher Power in jail. Yes, I realize how Corny that sounds! But that is my truth. I did nothing but sleep, eat, pray, write, read, and meditate in jail. I achieved a state of peace and serenity that I never knew possible. I had a conscious contact with the God of my understanding. I found peace in the most chaotic of places. It was nothing short of a miracle! 

After three-and-a-half months incarcerated, I was finally granted a bed in residential rehabilitation for co-occurring disorders, as in mental health and addiction. I entered rehab a changed person. I was no longer the totally self-centered and mentally unstable person that was arrested last June. I was happy and grateful to be in rehab and out of jail. While I was in treatment, I was able to regain some semblance of self-esteem and was able to deal with some of the issues that I used as an excuse to relapse. In short, rehab was a good thing for me. 

But, as we know, all good things must come to an end. I am not a rule-abiding person. I have a bit of a rebellious spirit. I have a knack of making rule-breaking an art form. I am not proud of this, per se, but I do revel in it quite a bit. Well, four months into treatment, I was about to have my meeting privileges and passes revoked for the third time and I was just not going to let that happen. I made a calculated decision to leave rehabilitation on January 19, 2012. I have been out of treatment for a week now and I can honestly say that this was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. I am happier now than I have been for as long as I can remember. 

I recognize that my life would be shit if it weren't for all the caring and loving people in the recovery program that I call home. This is a "We" program and I could never do it alone. Since I left treatment, I have been showered with love, constructive criticism, and good fortune. I go to recovery meetings at least twice a day and I do everything that people with time suggest for me to do. My Higher Power speaks to me through others, so ignoring a suggestion would be like ignoring God himself. This is how I live my life today- I have given myself over to the care of the God of my understanding. I do the next right thing for the next right reason. I keep in close contact with other people in recovery. I have a sponsor. I choose to stay in God's will today. And you know what? I am really happy! 

I cannot take credit for any of the positive changes in my life because they were not my doing- it was God's will that I would get better. I thank God for all the people and things in my life, for I nearly lost my life. My best thinking got me thrown in jail- do I really want to ever trust my own judgement again? No! I rely on a power greater than myself for all my decisions these days. I wouldn't have it any other way!

Inner Peace

I have attained what I have been searching for all these years- inner peace and serenity.

I look around, and I have nothing to complain about... I know that I still have problems, that I will have to eventually work out, but these few "problems" no longer hold weight in my psyche. I have let go of all of those cares and worries. I no longer fear my child's father. I no longer fear anything. I have let it all go.

This feeling is amazing. I can only be grateful to myself, as it was I that desired this peace. It was I that created this serenity. I wished for it and I got it!

So, this leads me back to the thought that we create our own reality. When I stopped wanting to be sad, I stopped being sad. When I stopped wanting to keep to myself and be miserable, that ceased to be my reality. I have manifested my desires. My mind no longer races a mile a minute. I no longer have persistent and insufferable insomnia. I am sad, no more.

Nothing happened, to even cause this reality to be mine. I did not fill the void in my heart with a new relationship. I have just been taking care of myself and guarding my psyche from attacks by outside influences. Nothing really bothers me anymore, I just let negativity roll off of me, like beads of water. I have found the ability to relax and just let time pass, with nowhere to go, and nothing to do. They say that happiness is ever-fleeting, but that a state of joy is long-lasting. Petty mood swings do not erase, or even touch, a true state of joy. I have been feeling this joy for about a week. I want it to stay with me.

About a week ago, I did allow my psyche to be plagued with fear. I now see that I was allowing someone else to rent space in my head. Since I received no rent money, I evicted all thoughts of him from my mind. Why should he get to live in my head, isn't it crowded enough up there, to begin with?

I do not need anyone to influence the way that I feel. I need no one to fill my heart, for me. I am complete, in and of myself. I need no one, to make me whole. I was born a whole person.

Now, what am I going to do with this new found joy? Hmmm...

Legal Matters, Freedom, and Release

I am at peace.

Tomorrow, or today, being as though it is after midnight, is another story. I have to guard my heart. My heart is like an insane asylum. There are crazy people, who have lived within its walls. I am scared of these crazy people. I may be a counselor, by profession, but no amount of training prepared me for the psychological torment that these asylum residents have inflicted, within the confines of my own heart.

I have to do some necessary "house cleaning" today. I have to make the obvious into law, or at least, begin the process. I have put it off, long enough. I want to move on, with confidence. I no longer wish to have chains to the past, no matter how I think that I have severed that link, there is just one bit of legality that I have to contend with... Custody, ugh.

It has been a difficult road, for this little Ave.

On the upside, I am grateful that I have not been plagued with anymore phone calls, or any other types of communication. The absolute last thing that I expected, was a phone call from someone that I was trying to forget. No one could have prepared me, for the shock that I felt, when I heard that he had called the house.

My heart has mended. I finally feel like the fog, that had been planted firmly on my horizon, has lifted. I no longer feel that twinge of pain, that would strike, whenever someone mentioned his name. I no longer find myself crying, after a song played, that would remind me of him. I am free. This feeling is irreplaceable and priceless. I would have paid all the money in the world, to have felt like this three short months ago.

At this point, all I want, is for him to let me go.


Listening to: The Grudge, Tool

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