Inner Peace

I have attained what I have been searching for all these years- inner peace and serenity.

I look around, and I have nothing to complain about... I know that I still have problems, that I will have to eventually work out, but these few "problems" no longer hold weight in my psyche. I have let go of all of those cares and worries. I no longer fear my child's father. I no longer fear anything. I have let it all go.

This feeling is amazing. I can only be grateful to myself, as it was I that desired this peace. It was I that created this serenity. I wished for it and I got it!

So, this leads me back to the thought that we create our own reality. When I stopped wanting to be sad, I stopped being sad. When I stopped wanting to keep to myself and be miserable, that ceased to be my reality. I have manifested my desires. My mind no longer races a mile a minute. I no longer have persistent and insufferable insomnia. I am sad, no more.

Nothing happened, to even cause this reality to be mine. I did not fill the void in my heart with a new relationship. I have just been taking care of myself and guarding my psyche from attacks by outside influences. Nothing really bothers me anymore, I just let negativity roll off of me, like beads of water. I have found the ability to relax and just let time pass, with nowhere to go, and nothing to do. They say that happiness is ever-fleeting, but that a state of joy is long-lasting. Petty mood swings do not erase, or even touch, a true state of joy. I have been feeling this joy for about a week. I want it to stay with me.

About a week ago, I did allow my psyche to be plagued with fear. I now see that I was allowing someone else to rent space in my head. Since I received no rent money, I evicted all thoughts of him from my mind. Why should he get to live in my head, isn't it crowded enough up there, to begin with?

I do not need anyone to influence the way that I feel. I need no one to fill my heart, for me. I am complete, in and of myself. I need no one, to make me whole. I was born a whole person.

Now, what am I going to do with this new found joy? Hmmm...

Legal Matters, Freedom, and Release

I am at peace.

Tomorrow, or today, being as though it is after midnight, is another story. I have to guard my heart. My heart is like an insane asylum. There are crazy people, who have lived within its walls. I am scared of these crazy people. I may be a counselor, by profession, but no amount of training prepared me for the psychological torment that these asylum residents have inflicted, within the confines of my own heart.

I have to do some necessary "house cleaning" today. I have to make the obvious into law, or at least, begin the process. I have put it off, long enough. I want to move on, with confidence. I no longer wish to have chains to the past, no matter how I think that I have severed that link, there is just one bit of legality that I have to contend with... Custody, ugh.

It has been a difficult road, for this little Ave.

On the upside, I am grateful that I have not been plagued with anymore phone calls, or any other types of communication. The absolute last thing that I expected, was a phone call from someone that I was trying to forget. No one could have prepared me, for the shock that I felt, when I heard that he had called the house.

My heart has mended. I finally feel like the fog, that had been planted firmly on my horizon, has lifted. I no longer feel that twinge of pain, that would strike, whenever someone mentioned his name. I no longer find myself crying, after a song played, that would remind me of him. I am free. This feeling is irreplaceable and priceless. I would have paid all the money in the world, to have felt like this three short months ago.

At this point, all I want, is for him to let me go.


Listening to: The Grudge, Tool

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