Relapse and Recovery

I guess many of you are wondering what happened to me. It is a logical question. This Facebook addict was missing in action for over 7-months. It is quite a story and I am afraid that it might be too long for this particular forum. 

You see, what had happened was...

There is a drink that many of you know very well. It is called alcohol. Now, many of you know me very well and know that I am the type of person that does not do anything moderately. I am one of those all or nothing type of people. I live hard, play hard, and work hard. Well, what I was doing just over 7-months ago was drinking hard and using any drug that I came across. I was pretty much trying to destroy myself. The problem with that is that it didn't work. I quit my job as Assistant Manager at 7-Eleven, I was Baker Acted, and I nearly lost custody of my daughter. 

I had two-and-a-half years clean and sober, but that all came crashing down in September of 2010. I had lost the person that I thought was my soul mate and I felt like I had nothing to live and stay sober for anymore. I was miserable. I thought I had found peace and serenity, but I was wrong. I had no recovery, I just had clean time. Abstinence. I was alone and had no spiritual principles in my life. I found my relief in a can of beer and a joint. My relapse nearly killed me. 

I was slowly destroying the person that I love the most, other than my daughter. I have been through a lot of drama in my life. I have caused a gargantuan amount of pain, but this was different. I was killing myself through alcoholism and I was really okay with that. I was drugged, raped, and beaten. While I was semi-conscious, I was injected with drugs that could have killed me. The police could not arrest my attacker because I still do not have any memory of the assault. Amazingly enough, I have forgiven my assailant. Holding on to a resentment does not hurt the person that it is against- it hurts the person who holds the resentment. With a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology, I decided that it was a good idea to start stripping. This is how I met the person who later raped me. The point that I am trying to make here is that I had lost all semblance to the person that you all know and love. I was an empty shell of my former self. I could not take care of myself, let alone my daughter. I had bottomed out. 

I got arrested on a felony burglary charge on June 4, 2011. Yes. I did the crime and that was the last day that I picked up a drink or a drug. I had broken into an RV and stole art supplies. What I was thinking, I can't really recall, but I suppose my drunken brain thought that it was a good idea at the time. The next morning, I awoke at 4:00 am in the County Jail. I had hit a new low. I am not a criminal, by any means, yet there I was, guilty as charged. This was the first day of my new life. Jail has varying degrees of effects on people. For a rational and intelligent person, it usually does the trick of scaring them straight. So was the case for me. No one bailed me out of jail. No one would take my phone calls. I was completely and utterly alone, with no one to blame but myself. My sobriety date is June 5, 2011, the same day as my maternal grandfather's birthday. Coincidentally, he is the first alcoholic in my family to ever achieve sobriety. I plan to keep that date, one day at a time. 

I was court-ordered into residential treatment at Haven Recovery Center. Coincidentally, I worked for Haven when it was known as Serenity House. I had to eat a slice of humble pie the size of Texas. I spent three months in the county jail, awaiting a bed in rehab. I am very grateful for that experience, as I found my Higher Power in jail. Yes, I realize how Corny that sounds! But that is my truth. I did nothing but sleep, eat, pray, write, read, and meditate in jail. I achieved a state of peace and serenity that I never knew possible. I had a conscious contact with the God of my understanding. I found peace in the most chaotic of places. It was nothing short of a miracle! 

After three-and-a-half months incarcerated, I was finally granted a bed in residential rehabilitation for co-occurring disorders, as in mental health and addiction. I entered rehab a changed person. I was no longer the totally self-centered and mentally unstable person that was arrested last June. I was happy and grateful to be in rehab and out of jail. While I was in treatment, I was able to regain some semblance of self-esteem and was able to deal with some of the issues that I used as an excuse to relapse. In short, rehab was a good thing for me. 

But, as we know, all good things must come to an end. I am not a rule-abiding person. I have a bit of a rebellious spirit. I have a knack of making rule-breaking an art form. I am not proud of this, per se, but I do revel in it quite a bit. Well, four months into treatment, I was about to have my meeting privileges and passes revoked for the third time and I was just not going to let that happen. I made a calculated decision to leave rehabilitation on January 19, 2012. I have been out of treatment for a week now and I can honestly say that this was one of the best decisions that I have ever made. I am happier now than I have been for as long as I can remember. 

I recognize that my life would be shit if it weren't for all the caring and loving people in the recovery program that I call home. This is a "We" program and I could never do it alone. Since I left treatment, I have been showered with love, constructive criticism, and good fortune. I go to recovery meetings at least twice a day and I do everything that people with time suggest for me to do. My Higher Power speaks to me through others, so ignoring a suggestion would be like ignoring God himself. This is how I live my life today- I have given myself over to the care of the God of my understanding. I do the next right thing for the next right reason. I keep in close contact with other people in recovery. I have a sponsor. I choose to stay in God's will today. And you know what? I am really happy! 

I cannot take credit for any of the positive changes in my life because they were not my doing- it was God's will that I would get better. I thank God for all the people and things in my life, for I nearly lost my life. My best thinking got me thrown in jail- do I really want to ever trust my own judgement again? No! I rely on a power greater than myself for all my decisions these days. I wouldn't have it any other way!