Balance

When the words come out, it is time to write. I wonder sometimes if I am incredibly failed, or jinxed. It seems at though, no matter what I do, I end up making the wrong decisions and I regret them later; that is, after I have finally figured out that I made the wrong decisions, in the first place. One thing I do not regret is my beautiful daughter. Trinity is truly the light of my life, no matter how cliché that might sound, it is the truth. Trinity is my world.

Now, speaking of Trinity, it is impossible for me to regret anything that came before her conception. That makes my musings rather short. If I were to go into everything that I regretted before Trinity was conceived, I would have an entire book that no one would want to read, except maybe me. Hypothetically speaking, if I regretted just one decision, no matter how insignificant it was at the time, it would wipe out the existence of my daughter. Not to go into the quantum physics, mechanics, and psychology of the nature of time and relativity, but what I am saying here makes sense; at least to me it does. I do not want to get technical, so I suppose that I regret nothing before she came into existence. That leaves me in quite the conundrum at the moment. How can I still regret decisions I made pre-Trinity?

I cannot.

A long time ago, in a place not soon forgotten, I met her father. Trinity’s dad is someone who I would regret ever falling in love with, if I had a choice. Now since I have already clarified that I do not have a choice in this matter, then what is there left to do? Sit here, alone, in my bedroom fruitlessly tapping away at keys, hoping that each tap will get me closer to magically wiping away all the pain and sorrow of the past three years? That is lunacy, yet this is where I am right now. To my right, I have a ruined past, a soiled reputation, and a host of psychological scars that remain unhealed. To my left, I have this beautiful daughter that I feel that I don’t deserve. I guess that is what is called balance.

So, what is next?