In my last postings, I have been vague. This is the story of my online life. I tend to write around things and only discuss my feelings about situations, not about the situations that caused those feelings. I am still having trouble expressing what I have put myself through in black and white.
I put a 100% permanent end to a three year relationship with the father of my child and it feels really good, surprisingly. I bawled today. I haven't cried in the month that we have been separated, other than yesterday, so this was definitely an improvement. As a survival skill, I have repressed every negative feeling and stuffed the would-be tears in the back of the closet of my mind, under the bag of dirty laundry that I am just too lazy to wash. He says he never wants to talk to me again and refuses to be a part of his daughter's life. For Trinity's sake, I hope he changes his mind, one day. I was floored when he said that! She is nearly two-years-old and she loves her daddy. The only thing I am sad about is that Trinity may not remember her father when she grows up and that she might never see him again. The fact that he never wants to speak to me again, is a relief. Our relationship was far from perfect. I will not get into specifics, but it was quite unbearable at times.
I remember a time when I would never have put up with someone treating me wrongly. I am not sure when I lost that part of myself. I suppose it starts with letting just one big thing slide, then another, so on and so forth. At the end of the road, I look back and wonder how I got there in the first place. Everyone who knows the exact nature of my reality is congratulating me on my newly-found, sound decision-making abilities. I think that life might actually start getting better for me from now on; I feel better already. The loose-ends were tearing me apart and I could not take it any longer. I had to act and finally put an end to the continuing emotional distress.
I returned to my hometown to live, for now. It is quite a change. I have lived a mere 20 miles away from New Smyrna Beach, FL for over two years. I was so reluctant to come here, that I only visited this town once, even though I had family living here, and it played such a prominent part of my past. There is a memory around every corner, and it is nearly impossible to go anywhere without bumping into someone that I have known for ages. It may have a decent size population, but New Smyrna is a small town. I guess the best word to describe this place is: quaint. It has charm, there is no doubt about it... but I stayed away for five years for a reason.
I have been living an anonymous lifestyle for so long. People knew me in every place that I have lived, but not like here. People know me here that were in the same Kindergarten class that I was. Some connections are very welcomed, others are dreaded. My ex-fiance of five and a half years lives here with his entire family. This connection is in the dreaded category. Avenue is in order, for the latter.
All I want from life at this exact moment, is to be happy. This is all that I ask of the universe. Happiness and joy are ever-fleeting, like a dream that you forget when you first wake from sleep. I want my dreams to come true! Overall, this has been a positive experience, thus far. I am grateful for my friends and family for never letting me down. Thank you.
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3 comments:
The one thing I learned after moving back to NSB is that not a single person hasn't screwed up something or another by this age in our lives. So the people who were petty bitches back in the day are now a bit humbled. I've ran into people who used to despise my guts and they've bought me a drink at the bar simply because they're unfulfilled, lonely, and just happy for a familiar face. So I would say don't put too much concern in it we're all older and most of us have a better grasp on the value of civility. If we judge others easily, it makes us vulnerable to be judged in turn. Or just do what I do, be wild, get naked, and make it all public that way if you're proud of being a little out there it becomes part of your identity and robs people of the power to lord it over you. (I think that's the only thing that's kept people from posting any nudes and or vids on the internet after I was on TV) :)
Zac,
You never cease to amaze and humor me, my friend. I do not think there are any naked pictures of me out there, that are not in my possession. Oh, wait. There WERE, but my ex-fiance's computer crashed and he had to have the hard drive replaced and he lost all his photographs (there is a God, of that I am sure). But as for most of the crazy stuff I did do, back in the day, people have done much worse, since then.
That isn't what I was worried about, however. Mostly, it is the little things that concern me. It has always been the details, with me. A twinge of pain here, some more over there, ugh. Moving to Orlando, Daytona Beach, then on to the Northeast, were all fresh starts for me; New Smyrna Beach is the old familiar. I just feel like I am regressing, instead of moving forward; this bothers me. But I know that everything is happening the way it is supposed to be happening; but, I do not have to like it, I just shouldn't resist. I think this is my biggest problem, reluctance. No on Lords over me anymore, Zac. That ended when I put this most recent relationship into the self-destruct mode. I did a few simple things that set the wheels in motion for me to be free of the bonds, forever. I did nothing shady, believe me, that is not who I am. All I did was activate his insanity and let nature take its course. Hence, the self-destruct mode, that I mentioned.
I suppose what I was trying to say, was thank you for your kind words. But most every time I post a reply, I am a little too wordy. Such is life.
I think a lot is to be said in the interpretation. Instead of thinking it as a regression, think of it as a reconquering. You're returning to a place that was rough for you before to subdue it and make it your bitch. Think a 2nd chance challenge. :)
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