I don't know whether I am coming or going half the time. I hope that life starts to get easier for me... I don't like to be on a pity-pot and I don't like feeling that nothing will ever change. I can't bear the thought of continuing to make the same mistakes over and over again; complaining all the way, and making excuses. What I really despise is making excuses for the behavior of others and trying to justify their behavior. This makes no sense to me, yet I fall victim to my own mentality towards certain situations. I don't like to be manipulated by my own psyche. If one tells herself something for so long, one starts to believe the lie and it gets integrated into the personality and mind.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that changes are needed and they are slowly being implemented in my life. I am a person that has made copious mistakes and has let herself be degenerated into a tiny fraction of who she really is... The repressed parts are fighting their way to the surface and then I have to deal with those emotions, thoughts, and lost dreams. I always wanted to be great. But I feel that I have cut the parts out of myself that made me who I was inside. I cut out all the parts that were not requisites for my day-to-day survival. I consider myself to be creative and I have created nothing but a drama-filled life full of contradictions and insanity. My true self has been trapped inside this protective bubble that I had to surround myself with, in order to protect myself from further pain. I have caused my own suffering. I have been the cause of my own problems. That thought frightens me because that means that some part of myself wanted the pain and misery that I have experienced.
I don't want to be rescued, I can do that myself. I refuse to be a damsel in distress, crying out to some random stranger to save me from a situation that I created. No one is responsible for my decisions, but I. The lonely I, who stands alone.
Hopefully I will sleep at some point tonight, though I am feeling introspective at this moment, which is never a good sign. Trent Reznor has a way of helping me delve deeper into a pit of depressed thoughts and psychological observations. Though I am not sure that "helping." is the proper terminology, I suppose that was his intent in creating the album, Pretty Hate Machine.
5 comments:
Aww sweetie! It will all work out. I am just trying to get through everyday life. I shoot of the furthest star that way when i just hit the first closes one I have still reached the stars. Right? Love you and we will make it through all this together no matter how far apart we get.
Thanks, Mrs. Anderson. The top part of this post was actually created about a week and a half ago, but I forgot to post it because I had stopped writing mid-sentence.
I know things always work themselves out, but it is just hard to believe that when I get stuck in negative thought patterns.
Not really sure what to say... just wanted to let you know that I'm reading, and that I feel the pain in your words. When I feel like I'm failing as a wife, mother, daughter, I think to myself "I can start fresh tomorrow". I don't know exactly what it is that you're going through, but know that people are here listening and care. I think that we all go through these phases in our life, just at different times. --I pray that you find peace within yourself. Chin up!
Speaking on behalf of those of us hero guys... (as self defined by someone who wants to help and or see others get the lives the deserve) Keep an open mind about help from strangers (or friends ;) There is nothing wrong with accepting or asking for help when you need it. However there is a difference in the types of help some people give. Some people are the "I'm taking charge of the situation and am going to make the choices for you help," which doesn't do anything. On the other hand, the "I'm here for you to help stabilize and support, while you work on the things you need to work on," help is all good. So don't push people willing to help away (not that I know the situation, but just speaking about self betterment and help in general.) :)
So I came home late tonight, work decided for me that going home when I was scheduled to leave, was just not in the cards this evening. Trinity was blissfully asleep in the car and ready to retire in her room for the night, upon my laying her down in bed and kissing her goodnight. I get on my laptop and start my nightly routine of checking emails, facebook, and the other things I do upon my return home from work. After getting bored with my routine, I decided to log into my blog and see if it was writing time, which does not come to me as often as I would like. To my pleasant surprise, I had more than just Mrs. Anderson's comment and I was SHOCKED. I cannot believe that three people actually took the time to read what I had to write. So thank you for this, Paulla, Jennifer, and Zac.
I suppose that my self-esteem has taken a hit or two during the past three years and I feel honored that people, other than myself, take an interest in what I have to express. I am trying to open myself up, a little at a time, in order to release some of my pent-up, convoluted, and repressed feelings out of the deep interiors of my being. I am sorry that I have not been forthright in saying what is actually going on in these few pages that I wrote, but this is a slow and steady process, for me. Think of the infamous onion layers analogy, this is what opening up is like for me. I have not cried much, which tells me that I have a very long way to go to get to the core.
Niagara Falls will come, I anxiously await the arrival.
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