Completion & Closure, Priceless

Everything is completed! I am officially moved out of my former home. I was so happy, yesterday, when the final load was in the truck and we drove away from my little place on Clyde Morris. So long, old memories!

It truly feels like that chapter in my life has finally closed, that I can finally move on now, with no hesitation. Knowing that I had to continually return to my old home, was like having a hair in my mouth, that I could not remove. I feel nothing but relief- no sadness, no regret. There seemed to be nothing but bad memories in that house. It was the place where I lost my love, of three years. The location of where I had to swallow what was left of my pride... it was a place of recognition that it was futile to continue on, struggling, and trying to make ends meet, when they would never be met. The memories of Him would forever haunt that place; in the walls, the furniture, and the decorations. Thoughts of what I had to give up, would forever plague my psyche. It was a place of heartache and humility. I am ecstatic that I will never have to even look at that house again. Somethings are better left unexplored, and kept in the past, where they belong.

Now, I am trying to determine what the best next move would be, as this move is finally completed. This is a time of moving forward... but to where? What new adventures lay ahead of me? What is next? These questions are getting to me... I wanted this change, as it was I that set the wheels in motion. I plotted my "escape" for months, and everything finally fell into place, little by little. Now, I feel that my wounds are nearly healed and I am ready for the next chapter in the book of my life. Not knowing what lies ahead is kind of bugging me. I suppose that all I have is the now, the present, and that should be good enough. I guess that it is.

There is no price tag that I can put on my current state of mental and emotional clarity. I do not feel like there is a 135 lb. weight dragging me down into the abyss; no chains to bind me to the past.

I am a formally caged bird, who does not know what to do with her newly-found freedom. When this happened before, back in 2005, I went buck wild and lived it up for 6-months. That continued, until my father passed away, in 2006.  Everything changed, after that, and I sought solace in the arms of a man who reminded me of my father. I have been single a total of 8-months out of the past 10 years.

Things are different now. I am different now. I think that the lack of alcohol use is one of the many significant differences between now and 2005- not to mention the fact that I am a single mother, of course. When I drank, I was crazy... all the pent up feelings and urges were expressed. Years after I have overcome my alcohol problem, and I am much more conventional, I find that I am a wallflower.

At my 10-Year High School Reunion last Saturday, I found out that the most obnoxious and wild girl in my graduating class, (that I never made it to, by the way), has turned into the most shy and quiet person in the room. I saw many people that I would have loved to talk to, and catch up on old times, but I was trapped inside myself. I think that I take transformation too seriously and swing too far in the opposite direction. I am sure that I can correct this, but I am not sure how to go about it. I wonder, why it is so easy for me to have online relationships with people, but I am nearly incapable of being comfortable in a social setting, in the real world. I suppose these are all growing pains- that all of these, so-called problems will resolve themselves, with time. When I have these moments of self-frustration, I have to take a moment to remind myself that I am not the superhero my mind would like me to be! I am only human. I have the same kinds of emotions that everyone else has and there is nothing wrong with that.

Only time will tell, what this new chapter of The Small Street of Avenue 81, will bring...

Listening to:

Jack's Lament, You Tube Video