Emotional Masochist

I have determined that I am an emotional masochist.

I am addicted to the Internet, especially You Tube. I love watching music videos, among other things. The only problem with this, is that I tend to be drawn to music that reminds me of people. Why is this a problem, you ask? Well, I tend to seek out videos of songs that were loved by me and my ex. Ah! No wonder I get into these emotional funks that I cannot seem to shake. I am doing this to myself.

I was doing okay this morning, introspective, but okay. Some sad part of myself decided to pull up a video from Enigma, a bizarre group that I absolutely love. Of course, the first link that I chose to click was the one for the Return to Innocence video. Hence, enter the masochistic need for me to hurt. I own the DVD of Enigma's, Remember the Future, and this video just so happens to be his favorite... Why do I do this to myself? 

I actually started to tear up, when it started to play. A wave of sadness came over me, and I actually started to miss him. What the hell?  So many people are proud of me for doing what I did, as am I. That does not mean that I do not have the lingering emotions, of a love lost. No matter how cruel someone can be, there is a flipside to every coin. There were redeeming qualities in him. I think I was always trying to save him from himself. This was futile, and I knew that early on, but I still tried with everything I had. This pain is normal, I keep telling myself.

I was the one who walked away, and I did so for a very good reason. But, like everything, there was good mixed in with the bad. Why is it that I can only see the good in our relationship, when clearly, the bad always won out?

Like I said, I am an emotional masochist.

The inspiration to my madness:
Enigma- Return to Innocence