Creating Me

I have been thinking a lot about me, lately. This is a foreign thing, actually. I am so used to thinking and worrying about others, over the past few years, that I have not had the time, or energy, to give much thought to myself.

I have recently discovered long-lost friends, hopes, dreams, and ambitions that I thought were gone forever. But I wonder to myself... Who have I become over these years? I have lost touch with who I was, who I want to be, and most importantly, who I am.

I read a quote recently, that I will paraphrase here, because I cannot quite remember it exactly: we do not find ourselves, we create ourselves. I believe that I saw this on the Positively Positive site on Facebook, but don't quote me on that.

So what kind of creation am I, and more importantly, what kind of life do I want to create for myself? Let's see, what I want to create is easy...

I want:

• To be happy, first and foremost.
• My daughter to be better than I ever was, or could be.
• To discover what it is that I am meant to do with the rest of my life.
• A life full of adventure, learning, and exploration
• To start a project and finish it; by this, I mean my book.

In an earlier post, Who am I... I discussed some of the observations that I have made about myself. I found that I am not the empty shell that I have pretended to be these past few years. I am not sure that I even was pretending. I think that I had myself convinced that I was what someone wanted me to be.

I have learned that the only person that one can ever change is oneself, and even this, is often extremely difficult. I was never a victim- whatever I have been through, I co-created. I take full responsibility for my part of the insanity. By definition, insanity is said to be repeating the same action, over and over again, but expecting different results. I was insane. Case closed.

Now, that I have some semblance of sanity, I wonder what to do with it... what is the next big thing in my life? Obviously, a relationship is not what I need- it is actually the last thing that I need right now! Since that is crossed off the list, until further notice, I need something to fill the empty cup of my soul. It seems as though I am not enough to keep myself occupied. My daughter surely keeps me occupied, but not in the same way that I am referring to- I need a purpose! I feel like I have no purpose on this Earth, other than being the best mother, that I am capable of being. I believe that I need something to fuel my fire, some muse to give me inspiration to do, what it is that I am meant to do. I keep doing these little things to create my own reality, but it feels like there is something big that is missing, some key element, that I just cannot put my finger on, at the moment. I suppose that this is the next big life question that I must ponder...

What is my purpose?



Again, another night sans music. However, I have picked out some books, listed below, that apply directly to what I want to accomplish.

Here are the links: